Dear ,
In my marriage seminars, I have asked thousands of men and women this question; "How many of you were raised in a home where one parent was clearly dominant over the other parent?" In every seminar the majority of people raise their hands to signify a yes answer.
After that question, I ask this one; "How many of you who just raised your hands believe the dominance of one parent over the other had a negative effect on the marriage and family?" Immediately, every hand that was raised the first time goes back up.
Dominance is one of the most damaging dynamics that can exist in any relationship -- especially in marriage. God simply didn't intend for marriage to be a relationship where one spouse would dominate the other.
To understand this we have to go back to the Garden of Eden before the fall of mankind. In the Bible, there isn’t a reference indicating Adam was superior to Eve or vice versa, until the fall. After Adam and Eve ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, God pronounced a curse over them. In Genesis 3:16, we find that He told Eve her desire would be for her husband, and he [Adam] would rule over her. The word desire in that scripture means "a desire to usurp authority."
Dominance and a struggle for power or superiority in a marriage are the result of our fallen nature, and they destroy intimacy and goodwill in the relationship. Early in our marriage, I was very dominant over Karen and didn't respect her input or value as a person. It led us to the brink of divorce. Karen had all she could take and I was at a crossroads. In a dark moment in my life, the light of Christ broke through my hard heart and I made the decision to stop dominating Karen and to begin treating her as an equal. The results were astounding.
It must be understood that dominance is as common among women as it is men. It is a gender neutral sin. In my own life and in many counseling sessions, I have seen the devastation dominance causes.
There is only one answer -- both spouses must surrender themselves and the marriage to the authority of Christ and stop trying to control the marriage. This means the dominant spouse must have a humble attitude and "stand down." It also means the dominated spouse must stop enabling the dominance. He or she must lovingly "stand up" and take an active, equal position in the relationship.
Marriage is a partnership of two equals under God's authority. The best marriages are those where both the husband and wife are committed to doing God's will. Their time and energy isn't spent fighting each other, it is spent finding God's will and doing it. This is how God created marriage to function in the beginning. It's still the only way it works.
Blessings,
Jimmy Evans
